Sports Cars In Miniature

Time warp with us back to 1986 one more time, to a fabulous creation by Alfa Romeo known as the GTV-6. This was essentially a hatchback version of the Alfetta sedan with a wonderful 2.5 Liter V6 swapped in from the Alfa 6. Think along the same lines as a half-price, much swoopier first-generation BMW M6, or a even an larger, upmarket Isuzu Impulse, and you’re getting close. The same thought process prevailed — a midsized touring car with good looks and an even better powerplant.

That engine is what really carries the impact of this car’s significance, even more so than the perfect weight distribution achieved by putting the transaxle in the rear. The resulting perfect handling is a true joy when piloting the GTV-6 down a twisting back road, but that engine note is beyond perfect. It’s sublime.

A couple countries’ distance away, Porsche looked at their 924, with its paltry 110 horsepower. Then they looked at the 944 parked right next to it, with it’s 928-V8-chopped-in-half engine featuring 144 horses. The higher pricing meant slow sales, something they could not afford to have, especially right after the 924 model had essentially bailed them out of the gas crisis. They looked back at the 924. Even with a turbo installed, something wasn’t quite right. The smoothness in regards to power output and driveability wasn’t really there. They looked at the 944 again, itself an evolution of the 924 platform and its direct replacement. Hey! Let’s take the 2.5 Liter from the 944 and dump it in the trimmer, lighter 924!

The result is quite an amazing niche car — the 924S. True, the existing 944 Turbo could leave it behind, say nothing of a 911. But for the briefest of moments, this was the best all-motor budget Porsche to be had: faster than a normal 944 due to less weight. Priced under $20K, it featured 150 horses, 25 more than the standard 924. Standstill to 60 could be had in under 8 seconds, and handling was a high point, with near-perfect weight distribution thanks to the rear-mounted transmission (are we sensing a pattern here?).

Today, this same car plus 60-70K miles can be had for less than six grand. You should be emptying your pockets at this point, and well on your way to the classifieds! Soon after, more powerful 944 models emerged, and by 1989 the 924S was no more, as Porsche began focusing on a more upmarket direction. If you can live with the rather plain, minimalist interior, this is your budget Porsche.

With the introduction of the Mark II Celica Supra in 1982, Toyota introduced a sweeping new design with popup headlights, and a rear sunshade meant to thumb its nose at the louvers of Nissan’s Z cars. Today, of course, the Supra is very reknowned amongst petrolheads thanks to the 1993-1998 Mark IV model and its seemingly indestructible engine — several tuners have extracted over 1000 horsepower from its hellish depths.

For those of us not looking for a 10-second quarter mile (and something more monetarily manageable), the 85-86 Celica Supra is a very good find. As the last years of its generation, the 2.8 Liter DOHC inline six was bumped to over 160 ponies, which enabled 60mph in less than 8.5 seconds. The rear spoiler was changed to a two-piece version, and Toyota added defogger-equipped side mirrors, factory theft-deterrent system, and auto-off lights with illuminated entry.

As with all 1982-1986 Celica Supras, you can choose from “Performance-Type” or “Luxury-Type”. Naturally, human nature would want those two combined, but there you are. Mechanically, there is no difference, but our choice in this case would be the “P-Type” with its fender flares, analog dash, limited slip diff, and optional leather interior and headlight washers. Prices range from $3K-$5K for examples in good shape, but you’ll be hard-pressed to find one under 100,000 miles. But with Japanese reliability, that normally isn’t a problem. Go Z hunting.

Subaru has always been just that little bit different. Much like the neighborhood kid who insisted on keeping to himself all the time and peering at you from behind the curtains as you walked past his house. Particularly in the 1970s and 80s, you got some of the funkiest designs and features from Subarus. Some called them “unique”, others were much less kind. The XT6 was one of the keepers.

From 1988-1991, Subaru’s wedge of cheese was stuffed with a 2.7-Liter Flat Six engine. The 145 horsepower eminating from within didn’t exactly scream “Porsche”, but it was much stronger and smoother than the turbocharged XT previously available. The suspension, which could be lowered and raised, was beefed up to support the heavier engine, and the power steering unit was upgraded to a unique variable-assist system that eliminated the standard power steering pump.

All this sounds halfway interesting, but in the end, it was a design exercise (along with its successor, the SVX) that never really did much in the way of advancing Subaru’s popularity. Gadgets abounded, such as headlight washers, steering wheel with a single vertical and a single horizontal spoke, pistol-grip shifter, and an instrument cluster that tilted with the steering wheel. Room inside is decent, trunk space isn’t bad, and when prompted, the cheese wedge can move down the road quite well (due in part to its extremely aerodynamic properties), emitting that distinctive flat-cylindered engine wobble. Some find it quite addictive. If you want to turn heads, plan on spending 3-4 grand on a good example with a manual shifter.

Mitsubishi has a reputation among us car nuts for making some great cars with hairdryers under the hood, cleverly disguised as turbochargers. Models such as the 3000GT, all the different Eclipse and Lancer Evolution variations, and the Galant VR-4 owe their existence to the 1982-1990 Starion. It featured a 2.6-Liter turbocharged engine and rear-wheel drive, and rowing the stick vigorously could get you from here to there with great aplomb. Opt for the widebody version, and it’s quite a looker too, with a more chunky appearance than most doorwedge shapes of the period. The aerodynamics were quite well-designed for the time period, and the resulting slippery-ness was responsible for the Starion’s reputation as one of the world’s fastest mass-produced cars.

Admittedly, this engine won’t respond to drastic tuning quite the same way the Eclipse/Evolution’s 2.0 Turbo would, for example, but there are modifications to be had in the way of chipping and turbo/intercooler/exhaust upgrading. And since many Starions (today around the $came with a limited-slip differential and anti-lock brakes, you can worry less about spinning off into a ditch and more about trying to stick with that 3-series that’s irritatingly quick through the bends. As with most 2+2 cars, rear passengers will need to be either circus midgets or pets. No pet giraffes, however.

The Usual Suspects

At this point, nearly six months after this blog was launched, we should probably go back and explain a bit more of what we are about. This article was begun back in November, but not actually finished and published until now.

Within, you’ll not find a single minivan. There will be no Kias featured, as they have yet to produce a vehicle that’s good for more than being taken out back and shot. If you find yourself with a Kia in your driveway, don’t feel bad. Many good citizens have been taken in by that 7-year/100,000 mile warranty, which is a marketing ploy, nothing more. Some cars are built with a warranty in mind, and some are built to last.

Minivans, incidentally, are of the devil, a creation devised solely to clog up our streets with folk who were duped into actually paying money for something with no soul or passion in either the styling or driving experience. At no point does any boy or girl under the age of, say, 18 pine after a Chevy Town & Windstar of any description. Minivans — and all conniving crossover vehicles purporting to be a minivan spinoff — are a commonly known cause premature graying of the hair and a general listlessness in their owners. No doubt a special level of hell consists of being forced to drive in the left lane behind a minivan who refuses under any circumstances to keep up with the speed limit for fear it might disturb their ongoing cell phone conversation.

A recent article expounded on the greatness of modern Buicks. Apparently, a JD Power survey pegged them at or near the top for reliability and fewest components replaced. That may sound good to those who insist on an isolated, marshmallow-like ride and who never explore more than the first twenty percent or so of the gas pedal, but we would submit to you that there are others out there who long to read of true driver’s cars.

To that end, we exist. More, we strive to bring you the greats of the pre-owned genre. It is beyond our comprehension why anyone in their right mind would willingly shell out tens of thousands of their hard-earned money for a lifeless blob such as a Dodge Caliber or Ford Fusion/Flex/Funk/Edge/Whatever. Why, when you could spend less than one ten of thousand and get yourself an amazing Mercedes 190E 2.3-16, for example, or, domestically, a Ford Contour SVT? Acura’s Legend, Audi’s A6 2.7T, Infiniti’s I30t, Lincoln’s LS (a bit underdeveloped, but nonetheless), the list goes on . . . and that’s all within the realm of the sport sedan.

Keep your ear to the ground.

The Atrocities of Safe Auto Insurance

Their commercials have littered the TV rotation of late. Appallingly, they appeal to the most horrible drivers in the land, touting their wares as the savior of those who shouldn’t be on the road in the first place.

This blatant act of lunacy is just too awful to ignore – for us, anyway. Commercials showing drivers swerving everywhere, hitting other cars, and generally displaying horrendous car control — and then congratulating these drivers (and, of course, all the miscreant drivers watching the commercial) by offering them “insurance that other companies won’t touch”.

So we’re all aware of the current economic conditions, especially with regard to the real estate lending fiasco, yes? The reason so many “investors” (you may refer to them as “gamblers”, and they’ve been losing big lately) and lenders have been taking a beating is because they took gigantic risks on subprime mortgages in the first place. Very subprime. People who, in all honesty, had no business taking on payments they couldn’t afford.

Safe Auto Insurance appeals to the same class of individual, beckoning to those who in all likelihood barely scraped by on their driver’s exam, then promptly forgot everything on it. “Arrested for driving with no license like an idiot? Get Safe Auto!” “Are you completely insane behind the wheel, with no sense of how road signs work, or traffic flow, or where your mirrors are? Should you even be driving a car? Don’t worry about it! Safe Auto’s got you covered!” “Did you just murder someone, and are attempting to get to the airport and flee the country? Call your friendly Safe Auto operator, they probably have something on their robotic-drone script to get you your plane tickets quicker!”

Some may think this is overreacting, but then they may be those unsafe drivers that Safe Auto promises to insure and put on the road with all the rest of us. If there was a way to boycott this company without wasting a whole lot of time and not getting very far, we would do it, along with gigantic faceless auto discount parts warehouses with horrendous customer service that employ call centers full of people who have never popped a hood in their life. Those companies are next.

The store moves, and having moved, moves on

Our first online store effort was through ProStores, the draw there being their integration with eBay and the relative inexpensiveness of a store package. This past week they updated our package, and with the updates came an incomprehensible page layout that would have confused and irritated people. We know because when we looked at our store we were confused and irritated.

Thusly, we chose Flying Cart as our replacement. The look there is so much cleaner and better set up. We can list an unspeakable amount of items, unlike before, and the categories are arranged in a way that gives us warm fuzzies and causes us to weep uncontrollably with joy. Updates will come fast and furious from now on (no reference to the dubious motion picture intended), so hold on for the ride.

ZF Clubsport

Lavishly Inexpensive

To the majority of car-buyers on the road today, the term “luxury” means that their brand new Buick LaCrosse is equipped with a windshield and seatbelts. If they spring for all the options, they might receive something known as cruise control. Ladies and gentlemen, this ought not to be.

We have travelled the world, and seen many things. Thusly, in this time of receding Walls and Streets, we feel the need to disclose options for those of you for whom a new Hyundai simply is not adequate (and leaves you with a revolting monthly payment to go with the cheap design) . Luxury, class and style can be had . . . and for relative pennies. Pennies in this case meaning, in an astounding fashion, under $5,000. Impossible? Read on.

Mercedes and their ubiquitous three-pointed throwing star are no strangers to those shopping for a bit of prestige in their marque. Without venturing into V12 territory, the top dog V8 has to be the spacious 1986-1991 560SEL. Where else could you find so many options for so little? Naturally, we got shafted engine-wise, with our 5.6 Liter V8 restricted down from 300 to 238 horses. Some aftermarket or Euro-spec parts can easily change that. A brief summary of features, many of which are market firsts: dual airbags, traction control (on 1990-91 models), ABS, door courtesy lamps, 8-way heated memory front seats, power memory steering column, 2-way power heated rear seats with 4-way adjustable headrests, automatic climate control, hill-holding transmission, self-levelling hydropneumatic suspension, and advanced cruise control.

Audis may be mostly driven by German cement salesmen, but they build some fantastic cars. Another thing they do well is superglue engine blocks together. The lauded W12 engine, for example, is simply a couple of narrow-angle VR6s ziptied together. Brilliant! Another great specimen hails from the late 80s, when the need for a V8 arose. Simply chain together two 16v Golf engines lengthwise and drop it into the top-level 200 model. Brilliant! The 1988-1994 Audi V8 was born. Our pick would be the 4.2 Liter version with 275hp. Understated in appearance, it featured all-wheel-drive, unlike most competitors. Don’t be fooled by the outward appearance, however. Many considered it to be a better full-size luxury car than the vaunted Lexus or BMW/Mercedes rivals. Brilliant!

Speaking of Lexus, they made their name as we know it today with the 1989-1994 LS400. This was among the first luxury sedans to feature digital A/C readouts, power adjustable shoulder belts, front seat heaters, an electrochromic rear-view mirror, auto-off headlamps, power-adjustable memory seats, soft-touch controls, electroluminescent Optitron gauges, and the first automatic tilt-and-telescoping steering wheel with SRS airbag. You can have an air suspension to raise or lower the vehicle, a Nakamichi premium sound system, and an integrated cellular telephone with hands-free capabilities. Under the hood is a 4.0 Liter V8 that you’ll never hear because the cabin is completely quiet. Even by today’s standards . . . which Lexus set in the first place.

It may be hard to comprehend getting yourself a German V12 supersedan for under the five grand mark. But it is, indeed tangible, in the form of the excellent 1986-1994 BMW 750iL. Pamper yourself with such options as integrated telephone and fax machines, a wine cooler, double glazing, heated door locks and windscreen washer nozzles, electronic stability control, a system that automatically increased spring pressure on the windshield wipers, to keep them firmly pressed on the glass at Autobahn speeds, dual rear radio controls, dual independant rear climate control with coolbox mounted in the center console, electrically heated and adjustable rear seats, walnut veneer folding tables, two crystal glasses neatly placed in the coolbox, legrests, and sun shades all around the rear/side windows. Three hundred horsepower and a wall of torque will power you to infinity and beyond with remarkable calm and poise.

We’re going to shock ourselves and throw in the 1998-2002 Lincoln Town Car. Before you fume smoke out your ears and demand our somewhat attractive severed heads be delivered to you on pikes made of the finest bamboo, consider a few things. Town Cars of this era come highly praised from the chaffeurred among us in the areas of comfort, quiet ride, and interior space. So while every other car here will absolutely leave you for dead on any type of road (something our shop is working on rectifying shortly), you’ll be whisked along with just as much comfort, and be the envy of all the octogenarians in sight. Something you’ve no doubt always longed for.

Rounding out this group is another fantastic luxury sedan. When launched in 1990, directly on the heels of Lexus’ smash hit LS400, the Infiniti Q45 seemed a bit less posh and featured a muscular 4.5 Liter V8 with 275 horsepower. The minimalistic approach to luxury (still no Honda Accord, mind you) seemed to offput prospective buyers, so in 1994 Infiniti relented and added the chrome grille, wood trim and plusher seats that seemed to be preferred. In so doing, they dimmed the performance a tiny bit, so you are free to pick from either style. This is quite a quick car, besting most of its rivals you see here. We like the Q45t, which is the Touring model and keeps most of the sportier features.

The amazing deals above all feature boku horsepower, amenities that surpass even many of today’s offerings, unwavering build quality for several hundred thousand miles, and most of all, a spacious and comfortable passport to anywhere. Endless traffic will dissolve, velvet ropes will part, and your survival of lean times will be ensured with panache. And all . . . all for less than a downpayment on some new pseudo “luxury” econobox. Why does anyone buy new cars?